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Will J.C. Penney's Massive Makeover Win People Back?
J.C. Penney is challenged. Against a backdrop of suburban shopping mall decline, the retailer has to attract a new generation while earning forgiveness from the long-time customers it spurned in its last makeover.
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For His Next Trick, Ted Cruz Will Ruin ‘Office Space’ And Geto Boys Forever
The Ted Cruz campaign dropped yet another of its efforts to coopt and taint all of American popular culture Friday, this time with an anti-Hillary Clinton ad ripping off a scene from Mike Judge’s Office Space, even accompanied by a parody of Geto Bo
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Bundys, Beyoncé And Rick Snyder’s Wife’s Birthday Cake. Your Weekly Top Ten.
Well hi there and good Saturday morning to you, Wonkers! Many newses happened this week, so it’s good that you’re here for us to catch up together! Haha just kidding, we are not together, because WE WROTE THESE DAMN STORIES, we don’t nee
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Happy Birthday Jeb! Bush, Don’t Set Yourself On Fire With Those Candles
John Ellis J.E.B. Jeb Bush was squirted out of his mama’s beautiful mind on this day, but in the last century, some 63 or so years ago, somewhere in the middle of a Texas oil field, probably. While his parents, Bar and Poppy, had hoped he&rsquo
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Ted Cruz’s Wife Libels God, Says He Looks Like Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz has one of the creepiest faces of any human ever to anchor baby hisself into America. It’s that special combination of how he doesn’t know how to genuinely smile — he constantly sports the expression of a person w
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Hillary And Bernie Have Big Fight Over Who’s Most Gayest For Obama
Oh hey Wonkers, did you watch Thursday night’s Big Exciting Democratic Debate? Well see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya if you didn’t! It was more of the same we’ve come to expect from those two crazy kids, Hillary Clinton and Bernie
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New York Saturday Afternoon! Drink Czech Beers With Us At Bohemian Beer Hall!
Allo allo allo! New York City we are in you, and Manhattan can go fuck itself! Meet us and the Official Wonkette Baby (star of stage and screen) at Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria, Queens, Saturday let us say from 3:30 to 7! Since it is a beer hall, will
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Michigan Lawmakers Tried To Solve Flint Water Crisis By Banning Buttsex
You might not think of Michigan as being in the running for finding the gays the ickiest, but it’s right up there with somewhere like West Virginia or Oklahoma or Kentucky. Thinking about the gays just makes the Michigan state Senate want to ge
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Time For Hillary And Bernie To Call Each Other Big Hairy Dumb Stupidheads Again!
Oh look it’s time to do another Democratic debate because might as well. The New Hampshire primary is over, and now Hillary and Bernie are heading to Nevada and then South Carolina, and who’s winning? DEMOCRACY IS WINNING. As usual, you have q
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Tennessee Poors Refuse To Be Drug-Addicted Welfare Queens, Unfair!
If you are a Republican lawmaker in these US-es of America, you are absolutely certain that somewhere, a bunch of people are lazying around on their fat asses using their free Obamaphones to order ‘spensive lobster from Amazon Prime, and t
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Cliven Bundy Arrested, Remaining Oregon Militia Jackwagons To Surrender
Big news from the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon Wednesday night. While most of the armed militia squatters are already rotting in jail as political prisoners, the FBI decided it was sick of waiting for the remaining four to surrender alr
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Cleveland To Tamir Rice: Being Dead Is No Excuse For Being A Deadbeat
Look, being shot to death by police doesn’t get you off the hook when it comes to paying your medical bills. At least according to the City of Cleveland, which filed a notice with the probate court Wednesday, demanding that the estate of Tamir Rice,
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On Our Inevitable Disappointment With Bernie Sanders
This is not an endorsement of Hillary Clinton. While there is much I could say about her candidacy, her qualifications, or how I loathe seeing ostensibly-progressive Democrats joyously and uncritically repeating a quarter-century’s worth of slimy ri
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Here Is Your Bernie Sanders New Hampshire Victory-Palooza Speech, For You To Fap To
Big news out of New Hampshire, like they rarely say! With 92 percent (and updating!) of precincts reporting, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary by a 60-38 margin to become America’s first Jewish president of the New Ham
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New Hampshire Really, REALLY Loves That Racist Jerkhole Donald Trump
Donald Trump finally redeemed himself after his humiliating weak-baby L-O-S-E-R loser defeat in corn mazes of Iowa last week, by winning the holy OMG hot dayum bejesus out of the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. He whoop-assed the eleventeen othe
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Wonkette Babby Wins All-Important New Hampshire ‘Morning Joe’ Primary
ALL HAIL WONKETTE BABY! You already know that, because you “all hail” her all the time. But if you were doing your normal routine Tuesday, which is obsessively staring at the respective Twitter feeds of Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, jus
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5 Injuries the Patriots Dodged a Bullet With
Here are five players who went down this season who are back and fall under the "they're lucky they didn't lose them for the year" as it pertained to their ailments.
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Gisele Bundchen Sends Message To Patriots Fans For Supporting Tom Brady
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady had quite the 2015.
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Patriots' AFC Championship Loss Summed Up Perfectly In Memes
The New England Patriots' AFC Championship Game loss to the Denver Broncos on Sunday was met with myriad emotions — and, of course, memes.
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Does Bill Belichick Have Any Regrets in Loss to Broncos?
There was a lot of second-guessing going around New England after the Patriots' AFC Championship Game loss on Sunday.
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Broncos Still NFL's Biggest Cheaters
There's nothing that will change the fact the New England Patriots lost Sunday. But Patriots fans might feel better if they take a few shots at the Denver Broncos on their way out.
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The Most Absurd Moments for The Patriots and The NFL
Monday marks the one-year anniversary of the day NFL fans found out that some people really, really care about the air pressure in footballs.
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Manti Te'o's New Girlfriend, Model Jovi Niicole, Is Real This Time
It looks like Manti Te'o has found himself a new girlfriend. This time, though, she's real.
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Top 12 Team USA Basketball Snubs
Basketball is in the midst of a golden age of talent.
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Jordan Spieth Buys $7M Dallas Mansion With Indoor Basketball Court
Jordan Spieth reportedly bought a mansion worthy of the No. 1 golfer in the world.
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Stephen Gostkowski: Patriots' Family Atmosphere Begins With Robert Kraft
The Patriots' family atmosphere starts with their owner.
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Did the Patriots Strategy vs Miami Help Their Playoff Chances?
But Belichick's plan, unlike the gamble in overtime vs the Jets, at least worked out because New England escaped their final regular season contest seemingly without any further injuries.  
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Why Did the Patriots Fall Flat in Miami?
Keshawn Martin and Brandon LaFell contributed three catches for 11 yards against one of the poorer pass defenses in the league...that isn't getting it done and is unacceptable.
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Floyd Mayweather Shares Photo Of New Pet Tiger On Instagram
Floyd Mayweather is one of the richest athletes in the world and he's not afraid to show it.
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Bill Belichick's Locker Room Message To Patriots
The New England Patriots are officially on the grind.
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The 12 Best Heisman Trophy Winners
The Heisman Trophy, one of the most prestigious awards in sports, will be handed out for the 81st time to the best player in college football.
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Rory McIlroy Reportedly Engaged To Girlfriend Erica Stoll
Don't expect Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki to rekindle the flame anytime soon.
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Conor McGregor's 10 Best Trash-Talking Moments Will Leave You Crying
Conor McGregor says a lot of crazy things.